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Date: 2018/09/09 17:07 By: tqr Status: Admin  
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Posts: 2856

Dear Mr. Seaholm,

This one is not quite ready. The 'graph idea about this turn of the century internet before it's time linked to the telegraph system is fantastic. The scenes concentrating on the 'graph are the best parts of this work for sure. I love the subtle allusions to fake news via the paper in the trash; click bait and trolling with the promise of oriental nudes that happens to be a naked man with a well placed fan! Plus the hilarious political back-and-forths all done in the quotidian linguistics of the day done with a familiar poste and riposte zinger style that is timeless.

However, this said, the framework for this historical anomaly does not ring true. I am hung up on the fact this woman so easily passes as a man by simply putting on an expensive business suit? What about hairstyle, did she have a bob (the subject is never broached is it?), her voice, was it unnaturally deep for a woman which is must have been (but it's never explained) not to mention the shape of a woman's body and the way a woman moves being very easily assumed by a another man who is not even paying that much attention. This detail (or lack thereof to try and make it understandable to the reader) is a major strike against it.

Another strike is the paradoxes brought up by the protag meeting herself in the I understand that the narrative tries to explain this one, but the explanation for me just leads to more questions. If our younger protag goes back and makes like the erroneous backward in time trip never happened how did she get to meet her older self on the prior erroneous trip in the first place because it never happened? Aside from the old tried and true sounding axiom that if you meet yourself in the future or the past the universe will explode. Sheesh. Haven't you ever seen the old Star Trek where Kirk and Anti-Kirk have a knock down drag out? I mean... please. Just kidding. Anyhow. I'm veering off into the realm of absurdity to make the point that this kind of eventuality (meeting yourself in the past) leads to some very absurd mind twisting stuff that a VC has to meet with enough absurdity to cancel out kinda like Douglas Adam's perfect answer to the paradox's that arise from this line of reasoning being the infinite improbability drive that, on occasion, spits out blue whales for no apparent reason.

Also, I have to mention that it seems to me I came across some unfinished paths of narrative that ended with what may be called lazy and/or cliched writing or out of place writing. One example I can find on a cursory scan of the text: 'jerry-rig' seems out of place for the setting, which is at it's latest iteration 1936, correct. I believe the term originated during WWII as backhanded compliment for the ability of the german's to BA Barackas or McGyver stuff that you wouldn't think possible or, that is, engineer some cool shit outta random parts. Anyhow. That term in this instance was a sticking point since it jumped out at me screaming that it was out of place.

The resolution of the problem is also unsatisfying to me. I didn't get the ending statement. I had no epiphany. So. This and the other points mentioned above, is why I am passing on this unique and madly original conceptual tale. My advice would be to scrap or re-do the time travel aspect. The 'graph itself and the scenes that are 'graph heavy are all splendidly done and reflect today's headlines with a pretty well done turn of the 19th century style. Love the phrase "Lousy Graph Dandies" which has its modern equivalents in Starbucks-Net Zombies I guess and thought that could be a good starting point for a re-write.

I hope some of these comments resonate with you and may be found helpful because they are offered in that positive spirit, and I look forward to doing business with you in the future.

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